The problem is not the thing that’s out of your control. The problem is that you are trying to hold on to it and control it, when you really can’t.

Suffering arises from trying to control the uncontrollable.

Imagine trying to control a wild horse. Trying to ride it, you are in a very dangerous position. But letting go of the horse, you can be safe and secure 10 feet away.

You can’t control the horse. You can only control your position in relation to the horse. Peace in this scenario comes when you stop trying to think you can or should be able to control that horse, and let it go.

The number of things we can’t control is astronomical.

Well, literally, we cannot control the movement of the stars. We also cannot control other people, what they think of us, whether they like us or not (for real, or on Facebook). We can’t control what they choose to do or feel or want. We can’t control whether they stay or leave.

We can’t control whether they do their work or hurt themselves. We can’t control whether they are happy.

We can’t control our clients. We can’t control whether they like what we do for them, whether they use it or find it useful, whether they recommend us to others or not.

We can control our own thoughts, judgments, perceptions, assumptions, and actions.

We can’t control whether people buy from us. We can control whether we offer them something to buy, and we can make it good. But their buying choice is out of our control.

We cannot control our feelings. These arise as signals of whether our needs are met or not. We can’t control that they arise, but we can control what we do next. We can accept, allow, and listen to them. Or we can suppress them, fight them, or judge them.

Making peace with the world requires that we accept that we are powerful in a very narrow domain.

The good news is that spiritually, this feels better. We are all wanting to feel like a tiny cog in the big wheel of life. We all want to feel part of something bigger. We’re built that way. The ego wants to be in control of everything, but the soul does not.

The key is to accept it. You really are part of something bigger. And you have no control over it. You only have control over yourself. And then, only partly.

The more we focus on what we can control, and let go of the rest, the more power we have.

The other good news is that by giving up the habit of trying to control the uncontrollable, we can focus all our considerable energy on those areas we can control.

In life, we can become peaceful in our own selves. We can stop fighting a war with ourselves. That, we can control.

We can ask for help. We can accept others. This, we can also control.

In business, we can open to our creativity and our potential. We can find the thing we love, and give ourselves to it.

We can transform ourselves.

This is no small feat, and it’s something we actually can do. We can start focusing on what we want, and on what we are grateful for. We can change our perceptions to notice the truth and the reality of things, instead of our judgments and assumptions. We can shift our energetic pattern to allowing instead of aversion or grasping. These are all things we can do.

As you focus on what you can control, you feel more grounded.

When you are trying to hold on to that wild horse, your feet can’t touch the ground. It feels viscerally unstable.

We all have a wild horse. We all have something in our lives that we are trying to control and we really can’t.

For me it’s my own emotional volatility, and whether people like me or not.

When I try to control my emotions, I make them much worse because I don’t meet my needs for allowing and acceptance.

When I try to control whether people like me or not, I’m paralyzed and I completely shut down creatively. When I let go of that, I can focus on being a channel for creativity to come through me. Who cares if people like it? I want to be helpful, and the best way I know how is to turn my creativity over to the Divine and let the words come through. When I focus on just that part of the transaction, and on sharing it without expectation, it all works. I write, and people do like it. But the minute I start getting invested in that, I get into trouble. Equally, I can’t control inspiration (although I can encourage it by practicing letting go, and engaging with life).

As you learn to recognize what grounded feels like, it is easier to return to it.

Now that I’m practicing this more, I am starting to viscerally know the place of groundedness  and peace. This helps me identify when I am off, notice what I am trying to control, and consciously let go.

It feels a little more vulnerable to be in the world without pretending to myself that I have control over things that I don’t. But it’s the good, real, honest kind of vulnerability, not that anxious, confused, out-of-control kind of feeling.

And when I falter in my discernment and fall back into old patterns, I try to remind myself: I can’t control how fast I grow. I can only do the best I can each day to let go and refocus.

photo by Emre Telci

Comment Magic

I find it helpful to repeat to myself, “I can’t control ______” and “I can transform myself” to re-orient to what I can control.

What helps you focus on what is in your domain?

What does it feel like to be ungrounded vs grounded?

Or, feel free to just say hello!

Related Community Links

Not Buying the Right Car Led to Buying the Right Car A great (and practical!) story of letting go. “It is only when we accept that we are not in control that we can lean into our intuition. When we come to realize that steering ourselves means constantly checking in with something much greater than ourselves – that is when we get the clearest guidance.”

Do you feel guilty because you don’t eat organic veggies? Or have a regular exercise routine? Or write every day? Or some other ideal that you carry around that you have never quite gotten yourself to do?

On the outside, these would be positive changes. They would make you feel better, look better…be better? Well, that’s the rub.

You cannot be a better person.

When a “positive change in your life” is motivated by inspiration and being in touch with yourself, and you do it, then the end result is that you feel happier.

But you never become a better person. Because you are already good, and there is no measure to that.

And if that same “positive change in your life” is motivated by guilt or “shoulds”, then in a subtle way you are betraying yourself.

It’s pretty hard to make yourself do something you aren’t intrinsically motivated to do. So you heap on more self-criticism and forcing, trying to become what you think you should be. You end up in struggle and striving. In pain.

I have a whole list of things in my head of things I could be / should be / would be doing better, if I were a better person. But that list? It’s fading more and more as I learn to find the things that genuinely make me happy and feel good.

There is never a shortage of opportunities to compare yourself to others.

Sometimes when we see someone doing something awesome, we feel inspired. We want to do something awesome too. And that inspiration can indeed carry us forward.

The tricky part is when we start to compare and measure our own awesomeness against theirs.

Or think that we could somehow become a better, more likable, more lovable person by doing what they did.

Or just collapse in a fit of “I could never do something so awesome, what’s wrong with me anyway”.

The same goes for ideals. Even 5000-year old ideals, like the Eightfold-path in Buddhism. It represents a lot of wisdom. But you still need to field test it for you. You cannot take anyone else’s list (even a 5000 year old list) and substitute it for self-knowledge.

The difference between feeling inspired and feeling bad about ourselves? Boundaries.

With healthy boundaries, we can see others accomplishments and still maintain our connection with our own goodness, our own desires, our own aliveness.

There is no one size fits all set of rules to live by that work for everyone. There is no awesome thing that would be awesome for everyone. Boundaries keep you in touch with this truth, and give you space to feel what’s right for you.

Boundaries solidify when we have a sense of ourselves as separate people who are good in our own right. A boundary is an awareness of your separateness from others, and your right to have that separateness and uniqueness.

Internally, you can develop this awareness with questions:

• Wow, he is so happy doing that. What would make me happy?
• Wow, that looks so awesome for her. What would be awesome for me?
• Wow, a lot of people are joining _____. Is it right for me?

And reminders:

• I’m going to sit with myself before taking on new commitments or practices, to see if they feel right for me.
• I’ll know something is a good direction for me because it will feel fulfilling and clear, and not forced.
• I affirm that I’m already OK, whether I “improve” myself or not.

The truth is you’ll know something is right for you based on how you feel, because your feelings give you feedback on whether your needs are met.

Happiness comes from meeting ourselves moment-to-moment, not from matching an ideal.

In NVC there is a concept of “standards and  ideals”. These are never life-serving, because trying to meet an ideal takes you out of the present moment-to-moment awareness of your own personal feelings and needs (and the feelings and needs of those around you). As you disconnect from the flow of needs, you disconnect from aliveness and enter the realm of ideas about happiness and goodness, rather than happiness and goodness itself.

In reality, goodness is inherent.

You cannot get more of it, and you cannot destroy what you have. There is a fundamental goodness to you, to me, to the Universe, to all of everything.

Happiness comes and goes, but ultimately it arises from being in touch with yourself and meeting yourself day to day. And when you are in touch with yourself, you will be naturally motivated to seek life-affirming choices. No forcing is required.

And that’s the big myth. Forcing will not get you somewhere good. The ends do not justify the means. And there is an alternative that does work: love yourself first.

When we start with acceptance, positive change flows naturally from the healing and growth process.

Sometimes it’s hard to trust this process. Self-improvement seems like a shortcut. “If I do this thing I will be a better person, and then I won’t feel bad about myself”. What we are trying to escape is the very thing we have to face: the internalized pain and shame and decisions we made about who we are. These don’t change by getting on a rat wheel of trying to be better. They just get reinforced, because we are acting as if they are true. The only reason we would think we need to improve ourselves is if we think we are not good enough to begin with.

Instead, we have to face them and feel the pain of them. And let them be replaced by something new and truly life-serving. You are good. You are already good enough. There was never any doubt. You have nothing to prove. You already belong, and you are already OK.

As you connect to your essential goodness, you will naturally be inspired to do those actions that support your aliveness and help you thrive. You’ll want to do what makes you feel happy and good and healthy. And that kind of positive action does not feel like striving. It feels expansive, powerful, and clear.

It’s not the action. It’s where it comes from that matters. When it comes from striving, it won’t last and it will reinforce a feeling of unworthiness. When it starts with a process of self-love, and comes from true alignment with yourself, it will be just another part of being happy and alive.

Comment Magic

I like to remind myself that you don’t have to force a flower to grow, you just give it the right nutrients and sunshine and it becomes beautiful. Do you have an image or metaphor that helps you remember that you are OK the way you are?

What comes up reading about comparisons and ideals? Do you have an internal list of things you “should” be doing?

Inspiration can be a powerful thing. What is your favorite source of true inspiration?

There is often a voice that says something like, “I need to beat myself up to keep myself on track. If I don’t, I might become lazy or worse and then I’d REALLY be in trouble.” So you whip yourself more and are afraid to stop.

It doesn’t help. And here’s why: fear and constricted energy like this squeezes the connection between you and your Source of creative, juicy, aliveness energy down to a trickle.

Fear and forcing limits your creative thinking and spontaneous excitement, which is exactly what you need to get where you want to go.

It can be tempting to think that if you just punish yourself enough, you’ll get the thing done.

We see examples of this kind of thinking everywhere–there are plenty of movies of self-hating, drunk artists and insanely driven executives, where the implication is that all this pain and torment was somehow necessary to produce extraordinary results.

I think this is B.S. And I really wish they’d stop making movies like this.

I believe that everything truly beautiful and good comes through us, not from us. It is inspired. To be inspired, you have to keep your channel open. And keeping the channel open is entirely the domain of self-love and self-care, not self-abuse. It’s about relaxing and letting it happen–letting is an opening, allowing energy, not a closed-down, forcing energy.

When we can really own that we are beautiful and good, that’s when we start to create in ways that are beyond our own skin–we allow ourselves to become part of something larger. For co-creation to happen, we need to stand up and be proud of who we are, and also give ourselves a break and let ourselves be human.

If you are in the habit of driving yourself with fear, it will take practice to change your brain pathways.

The first step is to fully get on board intellectually that it is better for you and more productive to love yourself and trust that creative solutions will arise naturally.

If you have any doubt about this, mindfully start to just notice in yourself how you feel when you are nice to yourself and give the creative process time and space vs. mean and berating yourself about what you have done wrong or haven’t yet accomplished. Study yourself and see for yourself if this is really how you want to be with yourself.

One thing that helped me identify with this new concept of allowing was to think of nature. Flowers and trees grow on their own schedule; yelling at them does not help. Nourishing them helps them grow fuller and stronger…and, they still need time to reach their own potential, which they have within them the whole time.

When you are sure you want to create a new relationship with yourself, then it’s time to practice, practice, practice shifting your attention and thoughts and consciously relaxing and letting yourself be where you are.

You can practice by putting “and that’s OK” at the end of every internal sentence. For instance, “I can’t think of a clever thing to write here…and that’s OK”. See how that relaxes you and lets your creative channels open and a new solution presents itself. So it’s a combination of mindfulness, trying new things, and seeing what works.

Start playing with creating processes where you actively ask to receive guidance outside yourself rather than looking only to your own brain to come up with a solution every time.

Try journalling – ask a question, and then open your heart and mind and write an answer.  Or let your mind wander…see what comes through. Or write down what you want an answer to on a card, hide it under your pillow, and see what solutions present themselves over the night or the next few days.

The key is to let go of the question, and let the solution come through….without pushing or forcing…and trust the timing of your internal rhythms and nature.

As you experience more and more that this allowing and receiving works, you will start to be able to really rely on it, and the need for the self-criticism will fall away. After all, that voice is just looking out for you…it’s not bad or wrong, it’s just missing some vital information: that you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. The Universe is supportive, and when you open yourself to receive from it, the answers show up.

Things are interconnected whether you feel it or not. And that field of interconnectivity is there whether you sense it or not, whether you want it to be or not, just like gravity is there whether you pay attention to it or not.

So why does it matter to cultivate that inner sense of connection with that web of harmony and flow? What difference does it make?

It matters because there is subtle information that makes life much smoother, that is only accessible through your internal connection to that Interconnectedness.

It’s like playing Guitar Hero – it’s a lot easier to hit the notes if you can feel the rhythm and melody of the song.

I started playing Guitar Hero a year ago, but I stopped after getting through the easy songs. I just couldn’t progress very much after that and I got frustrated.

I started up again recently, and after playing for a few days, I had a breakthrough. Instead of just watching the notes pass the line that tells you to play them, I started to actually listen to the song. I started tapping the beat with my toe, and feeling the rhythm and melody in my body.

My notes-hit percentage went up dramatically.

My hands weren’t any more dexterous. My brain didn’t have any new pathways. I was just listening. And I was letting what I heard influence my playing. The subtle information about timing and the “probable next note” that was contained in the music made my playing much better.

(This is probably obvious to actual musicians, but it was a revelation to me).

God is the same way. In essence you want to listen to the “music” of what is around you, and what is within you, and you can begin to feel what is next – what is harmonious – what “works” – what is needed. You can learn to work with the Universe, and yourself, rather than fight and struggle.

In American culture, we often seek to dominate the world around us. We want to make more money, we want to set up our house just so, we want to have X things done by the time we are 30, we want to wake up at a certain time every day and accomplish a certain amount by Friday.

I don’t think God/the Universe really works like that.

We have internal rhythms, and the world also has rhythms of its own. The people around us have rhythms, the seasons are one huge rhythm…it’s endless and fractal.

Navigating all these rhythms harmoniously takes a lot of listening. And it takes a willingness to let go of the way we want the river to go, and be willing to go with the river. It means cooperating with the Universe.

Which is where faith comes in. Faith, in essence, is trusting that the river is good. Or, put another way, that wherever the river takes you is in your best interest (even if it doesn’t appear to be at the time).

It requires letting go of your ideas of what you think is best for you, and letting that sense of harmony be in charge.

This is why so many religions emphasize surrender. Surrendering is a choice to relax rather than control, and see what happens. It’s a willingness to submit to a Universe you are not in charge of.

Surrendering to something you can’t sense, however, is not something that is going to feel great or probably even be doable. This is why I think cultivating this sense of listening is so important.

I sometimes hear people talk about taking a “leap of faith” that really just sounds like wishful thinking to me. I think sometimes people (maybe who have read too many “Think and Grow Rich” books) will “leap” but it will be out of harmony, and they’ll just fall.

“Leap and the net will appear” is not always true.

I think there are times when the “song of the Universe” is just right, and leaping is what is in harmony, and people do it, and it works. But if you leaping blind and deaf – that’s not a great idea.

But if you can hear the melody, you’ll know when leaping is what is needed, and you’ll be able to sense the net. You won’t need to take it on blind faith – you’ll be able to take it on felt faith. Which, to my mind, is much smarter and far less stressful.

And you’ll also be able to hear when it’s not time yet. And that’s some very valuable information. It’s not always time to leap. Sometimes it’s time to gather our resources. Sometimes it’s time to cultivate a skill. Sometimes it’s time to be realistic, or just focus on what is in front of you.

Why is it so hard to hear?

There are a lot of reasons we don’t listen to that internal rhythm, or are unaware of the song of Cosmic harmony. Many of them are cultural – some of them are family-of-origin stuff.

Our culture doesn’t train us to be sensitive to and listen to our own bodies and to the subtle flows of the world around us. Even deeply “religious” people often have a cardboard cut-out understanding of God, rather than a personal felt sense of inner and outer harmony. Sunday schools often teach rules and stories, not listening and internal awareness. Being able to recite John 3:16 really has nothing to do with faith or God, IMHO.

Added to this general lack of sensitivity, or lack of an “ear” for hearing God, we are also often deeply wounded by a fear of being inadequate or flawed. To make up for this, we are taught (often by people who are also not able to hear God) to pursue outside ideals, or compare ourselves with others. So we spend our lives watching, not listening. We watch how others act, how others look, what others have accomplished, what others might be thinking about us. All of this gets in the way of listening.

To put it in Taoist terms, our culture emphasizes Yang – doing, accomplishment, external focus – and doesn’t often honor or recognize the necessity of Yin – being, stillness, internal focus. Both are expressions of the Tao, but our culture doesn’t teach balance and wholeness, but rather single-minded pursuit of one, rather than being in harmony with the ebb and flow of both.

How do you listen?

Each person has their own way of listening. A lot of people meditate. I don’t, really, not formally anyway. But I do have a habit of occasionally being still and letting my awareness sort of “spread out”. It’s about not listening to anything in particular, but rather sensing everything within and around you with your body, with no particular aim, and letting yourself feel like you are a part of it.

Freeform movement practices like ecstatic dance or authentic movement have been helpful in retraining myself to listen. Artmaking, if you pursue it intuitively, also feels like a similar skill.

There’s a way I have of asking myself something like “where is my aliveness at”? And then giving myself a lot of permission to pursue whatever that is. For instance, I don’t blog consistently. I’ll go through phases where I just don’t have anything to say. And I let myself have that silence.
Another important competent for me is to not think of life as such a finite and super-important thing. I often think about how spiritual systems that involve reincarnation will say we live a great many lifetimes. If that’s true (and I have that felt sense that it is), then I can relax about this one. I will be what I will be in this lifetime, and there will be more. I don’t need to finish everything or learn everything or do everything right now. I just need to do what’s next, and then watch things unfold as I go.

The other place this shows up is in goal-setting. I try to make goals with enough space around them that the Universe can wash over me and move me in an even better direction than I could have thought of on my own. That’s another kind of faith – that the Universe has cool things in store for me if I just let it do its thing (and do what is in front of me to do).

A final word about healing from spiritual abuse

Lastly, which might be the first step for some, rethinking inherited beliefs about the nature of God is often essential. If you grew up in a church, perhaps you can’t even use the word God and get anywhere near what I’m talking about. Religious abuse runs deep in this country, and recovering from that can take time, patience, and a lot of compassion for yourself. You may need to reject things you were taught at an early age by people you love.

I define religious or spiritual abuse to include anything that uses religious or spiritual ideas to encourage you to go against your own nature, or defines that nature as bad, or seeks to replace your own natural connection with the Universe with a set of rules or beliefs or intermediaries. I think this perverts something precious and elemental, and I don’t use that word lightly. I think people’s connection with the Universe is a sacred birthright and a primary human need, and when people use that to gain power or to shame people, it’s a deep violation. If this is part of your history, I encourage you to follow whatever feels right, true, and good, to find your own way back to the sense of connectedness you felt as a child. And whatever you want to call it is fine.

Hope is a feeling that a desire will be fulfilled someday. Hope can be good if you are just coming out of despair. Hope can be that motivating factor where you realize you really can have a beautiful, prosperous, joyful life. Hope can be a soaring, opening, wonderful feeling. It can bring you to life.

However, what you do with hope matters.

If you use it as a motivating factor, and then start doing what is necessary to move yourself to where you want to be and who you want to be, then hope has done its job.

However, if you “live in hope”, then you’ll never really live in joy.

Hope, of the unhelpful variety, is the feeling of “I hope this will work out” or “maybe this will solve my problems”. It’s quite different than “I love my life and feel so alive” or “I know that what I’m doing today will get me closer to where I want to go and that’s why I’m doing it”.

I noticed this about hope yesterday as I was looking at some paintings I had recently done. Many of my favorite ones are about hope. They have light shining down from above, or wings, images of flight. And as I looked at them a familiar sensation of wistful longing came over me. Familiar? Yes, I spent most of my childhood clinging to that. And I really did need hope then, as I was in a desparate situation. I needed to cope.

But what is also true is that I needed a lot of other things. Nurturing, support, warmth, to be heard, to feel loved. And those are things I can give myself now. As an adult, I don’t want to live in hope that someday my life will change and I will be happy. I want to actively bring those qualities into my life. I want to change my life myself, and be happy now.

The “When X Happens, Then I’ll Take Care of Myself” Game

• When I automate my businesses, then I’ll start going for walks in the morning.
• When I make more money, then I’ll go on a vacation.
• When thing calm down with my business, then I’ll start working on passive income.
• When I’m perfect, then I’ll be happy.
• When my business is perfect, then I’ll enjoy myself.
• When I get this huge list done, then I’ll relax.
• When I finish what I “have” to do, then I’ll do what makes my heart sing.

Look at all the ways your life would be different “if” you had the money and the time and the tiny to-do list and everything in your business was smooth and delegated and handled. Make a list. What is your ideal work lifestyle? For me, I would:

• take a walk every morning
• eat fruit for breakfast every morning
• spend much of my day reading and writing, not checking email
• spend lots of time each day on my own projects
• spend lots of time each day relaxing
• go on vacations where I leave the computer at home

Most of these I can implement now. They do not actually require waiting. They just require a shift of priorities.

The trick is to realize that your business really is not a crisis.

If you grew up in a family where it was one thing after another, you may be used to putting out fires, and living from fire to fire. And our culture encourages this 24/7 “on” kind of lifestyle. People are always saying “Oh, I’m so busy”. Why? It’s completely unhealthy and unnecessary. Your business will not grind to a halt if you put yourself first. Actually the opposite is true.

The more you take care of yourself the better your business will do.

Remember the airplane and the oxygen mask and how you’re supposed to put yours on first before helping others? It’s like that. If you want to show up in your business to the best of your abilities, you simply must give yourself rest, good food, movement, time outside, social time, relaxation, creativity nourishment, and a good nights sleep.

But more than that, if you ever truly want to be happy, you have to start practicing happiness now. You have to make your own joy a top priority. And you need to do it now, not “when I…”.

Be aware of the roadblocks and consciously face them.

Why don’t people change? 

1. Habit energy
2. Negative beliefs
3. Emotional stuff that is being suppressed by your crisis mentality or work addiction.

So for #1, make a conscious and clear decision to put yourself first. You are a Divine being and you need to be nurtured to express your full potential on this planet. You want to be vitally alive, and you can be. Stop settling for being half alive and change your habits. Put structures in place to help reinforce the changes and get support in keeping them.

#2 – If your habit is a belief, an agreement that you aren’t good enough, that you are constantly trying to live up to something – decide to change your mind. Reject inherited beliefs and choose new beliefs that you want.

For #3, this is about doing some emotional healing work. Stop running from your feelings and face them. Feel them. Let them move through you and release. Clearing stuck emotions is a gift you give yourself and there’s no better feeling than not having a tarpit of emotions deep inside you that have never been healed. Get help, get support.

Go for radical self-care and self-support.

Imagine giving yourself everything that helps you feel good and energized and happy each day. Imagine not putting off your life, your vitality, your enthusiasm and joie de vivre for money or accomplishments or your customer’s happiness. Make your own true happiness the #1 priority. Is that selfish? Only in the best way. When you are truly cared for and happy, you will be able to show up in the way you were meant to. That is the biggest gift you can give the planet and yourself.

So the whole idea of “we have to suffer to learn” never made sense to me. I can feel, deep in my bones, that suffering is optional. So why does it seem like there is some kind of truth to the fact that the hardest things in life are often what we learn the most from? And why would the system be set up this way?

So, here’s why. This is my theory combining Kabbalah and Buddhism and other random stuff.

It’s basically because we wanted to do it for ourselves. 

So in the beginning, it was all one. Nothing to learn, nothing to create, because it was all created already and eternally and wholly there. It was all Light. Great, but boring.

So then for some reason (explanations differ), there was a separation. The Light created a Something. The Something was initially attached to the Light like glue and got everything it needed from it (think the Garden of Eden, or a baby). But eventually the Something got tired of that. It wanted to learn how to create its own light, to do its thing, to learn and grow and develop on its own. So it resisted the Light. (think Eve and the apple, or growing up, or the Big Bang – yeah). Suddenly there was disconnection. But that was purposeful. That was necessary so we really could have free will and do it on our own.

So, we had to learn everything about how to live, how to grow, and how to be like the Light on our own. But that was our choice. We wanted to know what it was like to truly be the authors of our own existence. And by we I mean everything in the material world, but most relevantly, humans. And it’s entirely do-able because we are made from the Light so everything that we originally have we can have again. We just have to create it/discover it for ourselves.

So. Why is life difficult? Because that’s the game. It’s learning how to be the Light, amongst a field of Darkness, and within the laws of Karma and Time. And we wouldn’t (really) want it any other way.

This rings true for me because of this: I love money. So why wasn’t I born rich? If the Universe gives us everything we want, why did I grow up poor? And I know the answer, I can feel it – because I don’t just love having money, I love the game of money. If I had it all handed to me I wouldn’t have been able to play. So whatever you have in your life, you can bet that some part of you relishes the game of it even if it’s difficult.
Unless you are really disconnected from that because you are stuck battling karma all day.

What is karma and why does it matter?

Karma is why everything is so confusing.

So bad things (your own thoughts, or events outside you) happen because of your previous actions, or rather reactions.

Whenever something negative pops up in your life, and you react to it, you create more karma for your future.

If instead, when something negative comes your way, don’t react. Stop, and make a conscious choice of how you want to be with the thing. That dissolves the karma so it won’t come back again.

So, reactive = bad.  Proactive = good.

So the way to make your life great and easy and good is to stop reacting and start choosing from your inner Light/conscious free will instead. Period.

Everything you read about becoming conscious, developing mindfulness, understanding your triggers, taking responsibility for your life, shifting out of victim consciousness, giving up your story, etc, etc, are all the same way of saying that you got to really pay attention and stop reacting or your life will  just keep spinning around in the same groove as your karma keeps coming back. The only way to dissolve it is to not react to it when it shows up.

It helps to understand what your reactions are. For instance, you could have emotional reactions – getting depressed, angry, hurt, jealous, etc. Or you could have pattern responses – withdrawing, rescuing, being passive-aggressive, etc. It doesn’t really matter what they are, it just helps to know if it helps you to stop. The main point is to notice them and stop. Your life will get better. Try it.

And if you do try it and your life doesn’t instantly get better, remember that time is another factor. Karma isn’t instant. Yeah, it sucks. That’s why faith is an integral part of all spiritual systems. You have to choose non-reaction and then have faith (another word for a commitment) while you wait for the results to show up. And whilst you are waiting, your faith and your commitment keep you from going back to your old reactive patterns.

It also works in the reverse, where your commitment gives you the strength and faith you need to not react and can totally accelerate the clearing of your karma and the growth of your light. That is awesome too and I highly recommend commitment as a tool.

So that’s it. The keys to how life works. Enjoy. =)

Part of our energy is going towards doing the activity.

And part of our energy is going towards resisting doing the activity.

This energy shows up in procrastination, inner disharmony, suppression activities (watching TV, drinking, addiction), anger, and depression. Sometimes it shows up as unconscious sabotage. This is what I call counter-intention.

In contrast, when you are doing something you love and believe in, you are fully engaged. Every part of you is into it, and you are happy. An incredible amount of joy, creativity, and productivity is possible from this place.

Now some of our counter-intention is resistance that comes from beliefs like “I don’t deserve to be successful” and “I’m not good enough”. But the kind of counter-intention I want to talk about right now is the kind that comes from the belief “I have to do this” or “I have no choice”.

This is never true.

We always have a choice.

Our mind has often been conditioned to believe we don’t. And that belief causes untold misery.

Because I detest misery, I have made a primary commitment to myself to eliminate all activities I do not truly want to participate in. This includes:

• not meeting with people I am not interested in meeting with
• not picking up the phone if I don’t feel like talking on it
• not going to social events if I am not into them

So you might say “well, but there are some things you just have to do.” Like your taxes. Like your laundry.

Yes and no. If you think about just how much resistance you have to certain tasks, and how much of your life energy and time you are wasting just in resistance–you may find the motivation to find another way to get those things done.

An Example

For years I’ve hardly ever met with my web design clients in person or talked to them on the phone.

Now, how can that be? I run a web design business and it’s kind of standard practice to have face to face meetings with your clients.

Well first, I primarily attract them through search engines, so they are usually web-oriented. So my chosen marketing method attracts the kinds of people who like to work primarily through web and email. That works for me.

I have a huge amount of internal resistance to the whole ritual of meeting with clients. So I decided a long time ago that I wasn’t going to volunteer to do that unless I really felt like it. Sometimes I would if the client seemed fun (if I thought I would have a good time). If they seemed like a client that wants to have a lot of meetings, I steered them somewhere else because I knew I would be unhappy (and my resistance would show).

For a long time I had a jackal that said there was something wrong with me for not wanting to do client meetings. Even writing it here I feel a little nervous–what will people think? But the bare truth is they just aren’t fun for me. I’m an introvert, and I don’t think well on my feet, and it’s like a mini-interview. I’m not at my best.

So, have I turned away business that I could have gotten if I’d been more willing to do in-person meetings? Yes. Could I have missed meeting some interesting people by doing them? Possibly. BUT–is the energy and joy I reclaimed by saying no to an activity that I had a huge amount of resistance around insanely worth it? YES!

Here are some things I get to say YES to by saying no to things I don’t want to do:

• lying in bed till noon thinking of cool ideas about what I want to do with my businesses and what the spiritual purpose of life is
• going to lunch and hanging out with my friends
• writing in my journal and my blog
• making art
• working on passive income strategies
• producing great work for my clients
• going to personal growth workshops
• going for walks in the park

Another area I say no to is deep cleaning my house. $40/month for one hour every two weeks is entirely worth it to me. Do I have to pay for that? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. It’s my choice.

How much energy are you spending resisting, procrastinating, and arguing with yourself?

What do you currently make yourself do?

First just accept that you just don’t like doing this activity. For me, for instance, a major one is exercise. I hate it. Treadmills, weight-lifting, it’s all ick. I feel sad sometimes and do wish I had more aliveness in my body that I know would come from moving my body more. But until I find a form of exercise I can wholeheartedly say YES to, I’m just not willing to force myself to do something I hate. I won’t do that to myself anymore.

So you might not be entirely happy with the things you don’t like doing. But this is you. And you’re OK. You don’t have to like it. And it’s OK to find some other way for it to get done. Get support. Ask for help. Delegate or outsource it. Or just say no, this is not something I offer.

Self-acceptance is a major key to happiness.

If you can’t accept what makes you happy, you’ll never give it to yourself. If you can’t accept what doesn’t make you happy, you’ll keep forcing it on yourself and stay unhappy.

Next ask yourself what you truly love (and it’s OK if you don’t know the full answer yet–I’m still figuring that out too!). Now imagine if you had all of your energy directed just towards that. What could you accomplish? How much fun would you have? How much would your heart sing every day just to be alive?

Now ask yourself, do I really have to do that thing I hate? If someone was holding a gun to my head, could I figure out some other way for that to get done?

Now think about that gun. Imagine you are killing a part of yourself (the part of you that wants to have fun and enjoy life) every time you do that task you hate and tell yourself you have to do it.

That’s really what I believe happens. I believe we suppress parts of ourselves that are honestly saying “no, I don’t like this” and we endure it because we think we have to. But we don’t. We always have a choice.

I’ve been dedicated over the past 5 years to eliminating anything I was “enduring” and doing only what truly was alive for me. It’s a practice that is completely worth it.

There are still things I do that I don’t completely love every second. But I don’t have that soul-grinding internal resistance anymore, because I just say no to doing those things. I make a conscious choice about where I spend my energy, because it is my very aliveness that I’m talking about. I will not tell myself “I have to do x” because that is a lie, and when we lie to ourselves in that way it creates an internal schism that causes depression and illness. Our souls know we are free. We just need to listen!

Lastly, I trust myself that I’m working to get things in place so I don’t have to do any remaining tasks I don’t truly enjoy (ie finding a bookkeeper). That trust is essential. There is something that happens when you make an internal commitment to no longer participate in your own oppression. Other people may have their ideas of what you should do, but you know in your heart that only you decide what you are going to do. This is an inner independence that is essential to happiness and to personal power. And it’s something you choose for yourself. You develop it out of your own will. It’s a personal and internal decision to value yourself and your life energy. It’s a decision you make to be your own friend rather than your own oppressor.

And what follows is a commitment to give yourself everything you need to be fully alive and happy. And that’s another post!

Our culture seems obsessed with goals. Now I think goals can be fun. But they are just another part of the game, they aren’t the point. The point is to enjoy ourselves.

Joy is fundamental to all my money-making games (i.e. businesses). People ask me how much I work, since I’m all about working less. What I answer is that I have to work about an hour a day, but I want to work more because I have a blast doing what I do. I work on projects all the time. Right now I’m figuring out how to delegate and outsource monkey tasks so I’ll have even more time to do that. It’s what I love to do. If you gave me a million dollars right now, I’d just develop bigger projects. Well, and work on them in Bali and Costa Rica and some other cool places. But I wouldn’t quit my “job”, because I don’t have a “job”, I have a life.

So I’m not exactly about working less. I’m about freeing up your time and energy to do whatever it is you love. Which could be what most people would deem “work”.

However, even though I am doing what I love, I can still shut that inspiration and play out of my experience if I get focused on striving and struggling and ”reaching my goals” and being all serious.  

So I try not to do that. Here is what helps me:

1. Having fun people around.

2. Taking breaks often.

3. Throwing goals away as often as necessary when they become boring or tedious.

4. Indulging my inner child as often as possible.

5. Travelling and going new places.

6. Dealing with any emotional issues promptly before they get into resentment and covert hostilty and grumpiness.

7. Affirming my overall goal often: I want to have fun. I want to play. I want to enjoy this moment. I want to be happy today.