The biggest struggles I and many of my clients have had are around setting and navigating boundaries in business. The client that asks for extras–and you feel queasy inside as you say “Ok…I guess that wouldn’t be that big of a deal”. The person who wants to trade with you and you say yes…even though you don’t really want what they are offering all that much, but you don’t know how to say no. The person who asks for a discount and you reluctantly agree and then kick yourself later. The project that just keeps growing and growing, and you charged a flat fee. The client who always shows up late and you end up giving them a full hour session but part of you doesn’t want to but you didn’t know how to navigate the situation.

These situations all involve boundaries.

In every relationship, boundaries are what make it healthy and functional. Business is the same; you have to know who you are and who you are not, what you will do and what you will not. You need to know how to set, reset, and negotiate boundaries. Boundaries serve to keep your business functioning smoothly, and keep you from burning out.

Don’t underestimate how hard setting boundaries can be. A plan helps.

The clearer you can become internally, the more solid and clear you can be with your clients. I suggest writing down your boundaries in a “Boundaries Plan”.

Here are some examples of business boundaries:

• My minimum project fee is $2000.
• I customize Wordpress blogs, but don’t work with other blog software.
• I’m not open to trades at this time or I only take on one trade client at a time.
• I see people for a minimum of six visits.
• I fix bugs in my software free for six months and then charge my normal hourly rate of $X.
• You must notify me 24 hours in advance to cancel, otherwise I will charge you for the session.

Your boundary plan can include more subtle boundaries as well.

• I will turn down clients who want a rush job; my project turnouround time is 4-6 weeks.
• I will turn down clients who ask me to sell myself to them; I let my work samples speak for themselves.
• I will gauge where people are in their process and suggest X if they are not at least at stage Y.
• I won’t work with people who communicate only via phone or who can’t provide a written spec for their project.

Your boundary plan can also include boundaries you make between your business and your life, such as:

• I don’t work on Sundays.
• My max client load is 3 active projects.
• I won’t answer the business phone line after 6pm, or if I’m eating lunch.
• I don’t do trade shows.

Some people will test your boundaries. Most just won’t know where they are until you tell them.

Most of the trouble people get into is not actually from someone pushing their boundaries. It’s the fear that comes before you even set them. That fear can keep you from spelling them out clearly enough to be understood. It can also lead to defensiveness when you state them–which muddies the water and makes people uncomfortable.

Sometimes people will push, but I’ve found that the stress and awkwardness of that is directly proportional to how clear you are in yourself. If you can stay neutral when you communicate your boundaries, then they will nearly always be respected.

Writing them down and really owning them for yourself will help you stay neutral and communicate them clearly without defensiveness or other sticky energy.

For tricky boundaries, create procedures and policies that you lead clients through.

When I did web design, I had a “Designer’s Readiness Checklist”. It outlined everything people needed to have in place before they contacted me. Then I had a worksheet people filled out that asked them key things about their project. In essence my boundary was, “I don’t take on strategy or organization, I just do the design part”. What my clients saw was a clear procedure they were led through that helped them get organized and think strategically.

My clients appreciated the structure and it served to weed out clients who were not organized or didn’t yet know what they wanted.

For in-person situations, practice your replies.

I spent several years learning how to say no to people who wanted to work with me but I didn’t for whatever reason. It was really hard for me, and then I got really good at it. What helped me the most was finding the right wording–the kind nobody can argue with and I didn’t have to explain:

After reviewing the details of your project, I don’t think we’re a good fit to work together. I recommend …

I had a few different wordings and list of recommendations for different occasions and I kept them stored as snippets in my email program.

Another area I practiced was not giving off-the-cuff project quotes over the phone. If someone asked how much they thought I would charge I would give my standard range (the same one listed on my website) and say I would have to review their project in more detail before I could give a more accurate quote. If they pressed, I would state that I made it a policy to not give quotes on the phone because I know from history that they are not accurate.

When you use the word “policy”, people usually get the hint. If you say in some way, “This isn’t about you, this is for everybody”, then it becomes much harder for them to take it personally.

Pay attention to queasiness, dread, procrastination: these can indicate a need for a boundary.

The more aware we are of what is going on, the more we can do about it. If you are not aware of your boundary, your unconscious will follow its usual patterns–procrastination and avoidance. These are not usually very clear or effective, and take a lot of energy.

Sometimes you have to find boundaries from the outside in. For example, I learned to notice that if I had a client inquiry email that I was procrastinating for more than a week on replying to, that meant that I probably didn’t want to do the project for some reason that wasn’t immediately obvious to me. Procrastination became an indicator to check in with myself , validate that it’s perfectly OK to be choosy, and make a decision that worked for me. (This was a much better strategy than letting it sit there for another week and have my subconscious struggle with it while I started to feel guilty about not getting back to them.) I learned to notice the early warning signs that I was feeling uncertain about setting a boundary, and then just get it over with.

Set boundaries early and often. And don’t hesitate to renegotiate.

When appropriate, work your boundaries into your website and client emails. Don’t assume people will know where they are, and don’t get offended if they assume a different boundary: just educate them in a calm, neutral way. Usually their response will be, “Oh, I didn’t know!”.

And if you forget or slip or are just having a bad boundaries day (stress can cause us to get weak about our boundaries), it’s always OK to say, “Hey, I apologize, I made a mistake when I said …. What I should have said was ….”.

Your boundaries are yours alone–they are what fit you.

Every industry and culture and family and human grouping in general has standards of behavior, and most people tend to assume they are shared. If you don’t share them, feelings of being wrong can get in the way of asking for what you need and setting up clear expectations.

It doesn’t matter what works for someone else, or what someone else expects. What matters is what works for you so you can serve your clients and stay happy. Get really honest with yourself–what do you need to feel nurtured and healthy in your business? What do your clients need to know so your work together goes smoothly and serves you both? It’s OK to ask for that.

Outer boundaries stem from inner boundaries.

Before you can clearly state to another what you want and need, you have to validate and own that your needs and wants are OK. If you don’t have that internal validation, you will not be able to communicate clearly to others.

If you struggle with this, invest in self-care, and evaluate your beliefs about what you have the right to ask for and expect from your life. Is it OK to be 100% happy and satisfied with your life and your work? Or does that make you selfish? What do you really believe, and does it support you?

Having clear boundaries will save you money, stress, and time.

Having a good niche is the first step in finding perfect customers: it’s the attractor.  Boundaries are the other side of the coin. They redirect the “not a good fit” customers and make it clearer who your ideal customers are. They provide your business with integrity and keep everything running smoothly. And they take care of the human vessel that is making all of this happen.

Boundaries also make your business more appealing, because you come across as professional, “together”, and have some structure for people to interact with. Think about interpersonal relationships–we are all wary around someone who is not clear on their boundaries. The same is true in business–the more clear, communicative, and neutral you are about your boundaries, the safer your clients will feel. They’ll know what to expect, and be able to make clean choices.

What kind of boundaries do you need to set?

Your marketing formula works hand in hand with your clearly defined niche to create a flourishing business.

Your marketing formula is unique to you and your business.

The problem with a lot of marketing books and workshops is that they are just one person’s formula. It’s understandable–that person made it work really well for themselves, now they think it will work for everyone. But it won’t necessarily (but it might). Why?

The formula that works for you has to be both something that will actually work for your niche, and something that will actually work for you. Here is a Venn diagram showing the relationship:

When you hear about any new method of reaching people or staying engaged with them (like newsletters, ads, Facebook, SEO, Twitter), it helps to ask yourself these questions:

1. Would this reach my ideal clients where they are? Do they look for services that I offer in this way? (for example, do they use Twitter?)
2. Is this something I would enjoy engaging in on a regular basis? (For example, do I enjoy Twittering? Can I see myself doing it consistently?)

Know yourself.

Don’t create a marketing formula that is not really you. You won’t keep up with it, or if you do, you’ll become slowly unhappy and resentful.

I was in a marketing class once with a guy whose regimen is to spend an hour every day calling and keeping up with new and old contacts. It works great for him. It would never work for me. And that’s OK.

Do not beat yourself up or compare yourself to anyone else. It doesn’t matter what works for someone else. It only matters what works for you. Because in reality everyone is different, and there is no better or worse way of doing marketing. There is only what works for you and your business.

You don’t have to market to the whole world. You just need a sliver to have a good business.

Part of the fear that leads people to scattershot marketing (trying a new thing every week) is that there are so many people that could benefit from their services and they want to reach them all.

Don’t go for everybody.

I know it’s tempting to say “But everyone could benefit!” but here is the reality: if you try to do that, your business will struggle and you won’t serve very many people at all. Your perfect customers are people you can reasonably reach given who you are. Even if a lot more people could benefit.

Here is an example from my web hosting business.

First, my Venn diagram:

I like marketing that I can set and forget–that doesn’t involve a lot of ongoing maintenance. I am easily distracted with new projects and don’t like having to keep up with things. So that goes on the right of the diagram. On the left there are potential clients that could find me on Google. And the natural overlap is to do search engine optimization and  make a site that is informative and lets people sign up online.

Now as you can imagine, there are a ton of people I’m not reaching. But that’s OK with me. I don’t want to have a giant company, and I’m guessing you might not either. My lifestyle goals are the most important to me, and having a smaller company works better for me (and, not coincidentally, for my customers).

So here’s what this looks like:

I have also created listings in various places like Green America to reach some of these other folks. But by far the biggest source of new customers (besides referrals) are from Google. It’s a formula that works.

Another example is a side project of mine which is a website about beading. Because it is a hobby site I don’t have a lot of time and energy to put into marketing. So the only way I market it is through SEO. I did create a Facebook and Twitter account, but only when I had automated feed content to put into it–I don’t use it to chat with folks. SEO works because lots of people search for beading patterns and such. Does it reach everyone who might be interested? No…but it reaches enough to give me a healthy AdSense check each month. It works for me and my business.

Here’s how to get started:

First, list all the potential ways you might reach people:

• Google/SEO
• Facebook
• Twitter
• newspaper ads
• fliers
• door hangers or coupons
• networking
• referral relationships with related businesses
• niche magazines
• blogging
• press releases

Research and ask your colleagues for more ideas.

Then start noticing which you are more drawn to. Do you like forging relationships and keeping up with people? Joining networking groups and going consistently might be a good fit. Facebook might be a good fit too. Do you like the phone? Or are you more of an introvert? If you don’t like going out and networking, but you are fine with learning technical stuff, try SEO.

Ask yourself this key question:

Which of these am I drawn to learning more about, working with, and really mastering?

Every single marketing method is going to require time, patience, and a willingness to learn and experiment. So pick one you want to spend that time learning about and devoting time to. Find the one that seems like a natural fit for you. Which might even be partnering with a person or service who does the marketing while you run the rest of the business.

Next, find out if there are enough people who use these methods to find the kind of thing you do to give you the number of clients you want.

Finding this out can either mean experimenting – running an ad for awhile – or doing research. For instance, you could use an SEO tool to figure out if anyone searches for the keywords you want to use (or use it to find the keywords people do use), or you can ask colleagues in similar-but-not-competing businesses what their experience has been.

Find your thing and stick with it.

Scattershot marketing doesn’t work. You will create much better results when you find and consistently apply a formula that works. Even when you are looking for your formula, you need to stick with each thing you try for awhile before trying something new. So start with your favorite and devote consistent time and attention to it for at least six months to see how it works for you.

In the first few years of your business, you might have to spend considerable time figuring out just what fits you and works for you on a consistent basis. Think of it as an investment. Once you have it in place, you can rely on it as a steady foundation as you work on the other areas of your business.

Write down your plan.

My final piece of advice is to create a written marketing plan. It’s one thing to know what you like to do and what works–but the results come when you keep up with it and build on your results. Running a business demands so much each day and it’s easy to lose track of things that have to be done a little bit over time regularly, like many marketing strategies.

Another reason to write it down is to have it in mind when you are writing web copy, articles, and posting on forums or Facebook–or when you are considering the lastest social media invite in your inbox. Do you really need to join? Your plan will remind you of what methods you are strongest in.

To make a plan, just write down what your core strengths are, what your marketing formula is, who you are trying to reach, and what you are going to do each day, week, and month to build on your results. Then put those activities in your calendar. Also mark a time to revisit your plan every so often to update it.

Your plan doesn’t have to be elaborate and have charts and graphs – it just has to remind you of what you are going for. Mine are always just one page. As always, there isn’t one right way to do it–the right plan is the one that works for you and keeps you motivated and on track with what you are doing.

There is often a voice that says something like, “I need to beat myself up to keep myself on track. If I don’t, I might become lazy or worse and then I’d REALLY be in trouble.” So you whip yourself more and are afraid to stop.

It doesn’t help. And here’s why: fear and constricted energy like this squeezes the connection between you and your Source of creative, juicy, aliveness energy down to a trickle.

Fear and forcing limits your creative thinking and spontaneous excitement, which is exactly what you need to get where you want to go.

It can be tempting to think that if you just punish yourself enough, you’ll get the thing done.

We see examples of this kind of thinking everywhere–there are plenty of movies of self-hating, drunk artists and insanely driven executives, where the implication is that all this pain and torment was somehow necessary to produce extraordinary results.

I think this is B.S. And I really wish they’d stop making movies like this.

I believe that everything truly beautiful and good comes through us, not from us. It is inspired. To be inspired, you have to keep your channel open. And keeping the channel open is entirely the domain of self-love and self-care, not self-abuse. It’s about relaxing and letting it happen–letting is an opening, allowing energy, not a closed-down, forcing energy.

When we can really own that we are beautiful and good, that’s when we start to create in ways that are beyond our own skin–we allow ourselves to become part of something larger. For co-creation to happen, we need to stand up and be proud of who we are, and also give ourselves a break and let ourselves be human.

If you are in the habit of driving yourself with fear, it will take practice to change your brain pathways.

The first step is to fully get on board intellectually that it is better for you and more productive to love yourself and trust that creative solutions will arise naturally.

If you have any doubt about this, mindfully start to just notice in yourself how you feel when you are nice to yourself and give the creative process time and space vs. mean and berating yourself about what you have done wrong or haven’t yet accomplished. Study yourself and see for yourself if this is really how you want to be with yourself.

One thing that helped me identify with this new concept of allowing was to think of nature. Flowers and trees grow on their own schedule; yelling at them does not help. Nourishing them helps them grow fuller and stronger…and, they still need time to reach their own potential, which they have within them the whole time.

When you are sure you want to create a new relationship with yourself, then it’s time to practice, practice, practice shifting your attention and thoughts and consciously relaxing and letting yourself be where you are.

You can practice by putting “and that’s OK” at the end of every internal sentence. For instance, “I can’t think of a clever thing to write here…and that’s OK”. See how that relaxes you and lets your creative channels open and a new solution presents itself. So it’s a combination of mindfulness, trying new things, and seeing what works.

Start playing with creating processes where you actively ask to receive guidance outside yourself rather than looking only to your own brain to come up with a solution every time.

Try journalling – ask a question, and then open your heart and mind and write an answer.  Or let your mind wander…see what comes through. Or write down what you want an answer to on a card, hide it under your pillow, and see what solutions present themselves over the night or the next few days.

The key is to let go of the question, and let the solution come through….without pushing or forcing…and trust the timing of your internal rhythms and nature.

As you experience more and more that this allowing and receiving works, you will start to be able to really rely on it, and the need for the self-criticism will fall away. After all, that voice is just looking out for you…it’s not bad or wrong, it’s just missing some vital information: that you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. The Universe is supportive, and when you open yourself to receive from it, the answers show up.

Things are interconnected whether you feel it or not. And that field of interconnectivity is there whether you sense it or not, whether you want it to be or not, just like gravity is there whether you pay attention to it or not.

So why does it matter to cultivate that inner sense of connection with that web of harmony and flow? What difference does it make?

It matters because there is subtle information that makes life much smoother, that is only accessible through your internal connection to that Interconnectedness.

It’s like playing Guitar Hero – it’s a lot easier to hit the notes if you can feel the rhythm and melody of the song.

I started playing Guitar Hero a year ago, but I stopped after getting through the easy songs. I just couldn’t progress very much after that and I got frustrated.

I started up again recently, and after playing for a few days, I had a breakthrough. Instead of just watching the notes pass the line that tells you to play them, I started to actually listen to the song. I started tapping the beat with my toe, and feeling the rhythm and melody in my body.

My notes-hit percentage went up dramatically.

My hands weren’t any more dexterous. My brain didn’t have any new pathways. I was just listening. And I was letting what I heard influence my playing. The subtle information about timing and the “probable next note” that was contained in the music made my playing much better.

(This is probably obvious to actual musicians, but it was a revelation to me).

God is the same way. In essence you want to listen to the “music” of what is around you, and what is within you, and you can begin to feel what is next – what is harmonious – what “works” – what is needed. You can learn to work with the Universe, and yourself, rather than fight and struggle.

In American culture, we often seek to dominate the world around us. We want to make more money, we want to set up our house just so, we want to have X things done by the time we are 30, we want to wake up at a certain time every day and accomplish a certain amount by Friday.

I don’t think God/the Universe really works like that.

We have internal rhythms, and the world also has rhythms of its own. The people around us have rhythms, the seasons are one huge rhythm…it’s endless and fractal.

Navigating all these rhythms harmoniously takes a lot of listening. And it takes a willingness to let go of the way we want the river to go, and be willing to go with the river. It means cooperating with the Universe.

Which is where faith comes in. Faith, in essence, is trusting that the river is good. Or, put another way, that wherever the river takes you is in your best interest (even if it doesn’t appear to be at the time).

It requires letting go of your ideas of what you think is best for you, and letting that sense of harmony be in charge.

This is why so many religions emphasize surrender. Surrendering is a choice to relax rather than control, and see what happens. It’s a willingness to submit to a Universe you are not in charge of.

Surrendering to something you can’t sense, however, is not something that is going to feel great or probably even be doable. This is why I think cultivating this sense of listening is so important.

I sometimes hear people talk about taking a “leap of faith” that really just sounds like wishful thinking to me. I think sometimes people (maybe who have read too many “Think and Grow Rich” books) will “leap” but it will be out of harmony, and they’ll just fall.

“Leap and the net will appear” is not always true.

I think there are times when the “song of the Universe” is just right, and leaping is what is in harmony, and people do it, and it works. But if you leaping blind and deaf – that’s not a great idea.

But if you can hear the melody, you’ll know when leaping is what is needed, and you’ll be able to sense the net. You won’t need to take it on blind faith – you’ll be able to take it on felt faith. Which, to my mind, is much smarter and far less stressful.

And you’ll also be able to hear when it’s not time yet. And that’s some very valuable information. It’s not always time to leap. Sometimes it’s time to gather our resources. Sometimes it’s time to cultivate a skill. Sometimes it’s time to be realistic, or just focus on what is in front of you.

Why is it so hard to hear?

There are a lot of reasons we don’t listen to that internal rhythm, or are unaware of the song of Cosmic harmony. Many of them are cultural – some of them are family-of-origin stuff.

Our culture doesn’t train us to be sensitive to and listen to our own bodies and to the subtle flows of the world around us. Even deeply “religious” people often have a cardboard cut-out understanding of God, rather than a personal felt sense of inner and outer harmony. Sunday schools often teach rules and stories, not listening and internal awareness. Being able to recite John 3:16 really has nothing to do with faith or God, IMHO.

Added to this general lack of sensitivity, or lack of an “ear” for hearing God, we are also often deeply wounded by a fear of being inadequate or flawed. To make up for this, we are taught (often by people who are also not able to hear God) to pursue outside ideals, or compare ourselves with others. So we spend our lives watching, not listening. We watch how others act, how others look, what others have accomplished, what others might be thinking about us. All of this gets in the way of listening.

To put it in Taoist terms, our culture emphasizes Yang – doing, accomplishment, external focus – and doesn’t often honor or recognize the necessity of Yin – being, stillness, internal focus. Both are expressions of the Tao, but our culture doesn’t teach balance and wholeness, but rather single-minded pursuit of one, rather than being in harmony with the ebb and flow of both.

How do you listen?

Each person has their own way of listening. A lot of people meditate. I don’t, really, not formally anyway. But I do have a habit of occasionally being still and letting my awareness sort of “spread out”. It’s about not listening to anything in particular, but rather sensing everything within and around you with your body, with no particular aim, and letting yourself feel like you are a part of it.

Freeform movement practices like ecstatic dance or authentic movement have been helpful in retraining myself to listen. Artmaking, if you pursue it intuitively, also feels like a similar skill.

There’s a way I have of asking myself something like “where is my aliveness at”? And then giving myself a lot of permission to pursue whatever that is. For instance, I don’t blog consistently. I’ll go through phases where I just don’t have anything to say. And I let myself have that silence.
Another important competent for me is to not think of life as such a finite and super-important thing. I often think about how spiritual systems that involve reincarnation will say we live a great many lifetimes. If that’s true (and I have that felt sense that it is), then I can relax about this one. I will be what I will be in this lifetime, and there will be more. I don’t need to finish everything or learn everything or do everything right now. I just need to do what’s next, and then watch things unfold as I go.

The other place this shows up is in goal-setting. I try to make goals with enough space around them that the Universe can wash over me and move me in an even better direction than I could have thought of on my own. That’s another kind of faith – that the Universe has cool things in store for me if I just let it do its thing (and do what is in front of me to do).

A final word about healing from spiritual abuse

Lastly, which might be the first step for some, rethinking inherited beliefs about the nature of God is often essential. If you grew up in a church, perhaps you can’t even use the word God and get anywhere near what I’m talking about. Religious abuse runs deep in this country, and recovering from that can take time, patience, and a lot of compassion for yourself. You may need to reject things you were taught at an early age by people you love.

I define religious or spiritual abuse to include anything that uses religious or spiritual ideas to encourage you to go against your own nature, or defines that nature as bad, or seeks to replace your own natural connection with the Universe with a set of rules or beliefs or intermediaries. I think this perverts something precious and elemental, and I don’t use that word lightly. I think people’s connection with the Universe is a sacred birthright and a primary human need, and when people use that to gain power or to shame people, it’s a deep violation. If this is part of your history, I encourage you to follow whatever feels right, true, and good, to find your own way back to the sense of connectedness you felt as a child. And whatever you want to call it is fine.

I’m beginning to think that maybe that’s all BS.

We all definitely have needs for self-awareness and also for contribution. But our culture is skewed towards accomplishment. So we think “what we are called to do” must be an accomplishment. We must be called to create some specific grand thing. We all walk around comparing ourselves to Joan of Arc or Mother Theresa or Ghandi or Martin Luther King. Why? To make ourselves more miserable?

Knowing who you are might look like realizing you aren’t Ghandi and don’t have to be.

Knowing who you are might look like valuing who you already are and finding that to be quite good enough, thank you.

Knowing who you are might look like enjoying what you really enjoy and not comparing yourself to anyone.

Not all who wander are lost

For a long time I interpreted my constant reading of books and going to workshops as some evidence of me being unhappy and searching for something. Other people sometimes interpreted it that way too and reasoned that I must be unhappy and why did I need to do all that work? But now I realize I do all that because I love ideas and I love expanding my worldview. I love exploring ideas and learning new ones and it’s not about finding the right idea, it’s about learning new ones all the time and the joy of exploration and discovery. That exploration is who I am. I’m not “looking for who I am” by exploring. I’m expressing who I am by exploring. So now I support myself by giving myself lots of room and time and books to explore and I feel great about it.

Accomplishing things is something that makes most of us happy. We get to feel good and productive. But it’s not everything.

What if what we are called to do is really a way of being rather than doing? A way of being that brings us joy. And maybe we’re already doing many of the things that we want and just not letting ourselves enjoy it and really have it? This has been my experience anyway…when I’m most me, it’s about who I am being, not what I am doing.

When I’m most me, I:

• am aware of how much I love the people in my life
• am aware of how beautiful life is
• am aware of how much joy my heart can hold
• am living in integrity with myself and others
• am enjoying the moment

Make your own list, and then post it somewhere. Remind yourself that this is who you are and that it is OK. Write somewhere on it the equivalent of: “I am not Martin Luther King. I am Emma McCreary.” Pick whoever you compare yourself to.

Hope is a feeling that a desire will be fulfilled someday. Hope can be good if you are just coming out of despair. Hope can be that motivating factor where you realize you really can have a beautiful, prosperous, joyful life. Hope can be a soaring, opening, wonderful feeling. It can bring you to life.

However, what you do with hope matters.

If you use it as a motivating factor, and then start doing what is necessary to move yourself to where you want to be and who you want to be, then hope has done its job.

However, if you “live in hope”, then you’ll never really live in joy.

Hope, of the unhelpful variety, is the feeling of “I hope this will work out” or “maybe this will solve my problems”. It’s quite different than “I love my life and feel so alive” or “I know that what I’m doing today will get me closer to where I want to go and that’s why I’m doing it”.

I noticed this about hope yesterday as I was looking at some paintings I had recently done. Many of my favorite ones are about hope. They have light shining down from above, or wings, images of flight. And as I looked at them a familiar sensation of wistful longing came over me. Familiar? Yes, I spent most of my childhood clinging to that. And I really did need hope then, as I was in a desparate situation. I needed to cope.

But what is also true is that I needed a lot of other things. Nurturing, support, warmth, to be heard, to feel loved. And those are things I can give myself now. As an adult, I don’t want to live in hope that someday my life will change and I will be happy. I want to actively bring those qualities into my life. I want to change my life myself, and be happy now.

The “When X Happens, Then I’ll Take Care of Myself” Game

• When I automate my businesses, then I’ll start going for walks in the morning.
• When I make more money, then I’ll go on a vacation.
• When thing calm down with my business, then I’ll start working on passive income.
• When I’m perfect, then I’ll be happy.
• When my business is perfect, then I’ll enjoy myself.
• When I get this huge list done, then I’ll relax.
• When I finish what I “have” to do, then I’ll do what makes my heart sing.

Look at all the ways your life would be different “if” you had the money and the time and the tiny to-do list and everything in your business was smooth and delegated and handled. Make a list. What is your ideal work lifestyle? For me, I would:

• take a walk every morning
• eat fruit for breakfast every morning
• spend much of my day reading and writing, not checking email
• spend lots of time each day on my own projects
• spend lots of time each day relaxing
• go on vacations where I leave the computer at home

Most of these I can implement now. They do not actually require waiting. They just require a shift of priorities.

The trick is to realize that your business really is not a crisis.

If you grew up in a family where it was one thing after another, you may be used to putting out fires, and living from fire to fire. And our culture encourages this 24/7 “on” kind of lifestyle. People are always saying “Oh, I’m so busy”. Why? It’s completely unhealthy and unnecessary. Your business will not grind to a halt if you put yourself first. Actually the opposite is true.

The more you take care of yourself the better your business will do.

Remember the airplane and the oxygen mask and how you’re supposed to put yours on first before helping others? It’s like that. If you want to show up in your business to the best of your abilities, you simply must give yourself rest, good food, movement, time outside, social time, relaxation, creativity nourishment, and a good nights sleep.

But more than that, if you ever truly want to be happy, you have to start practicing happiness now. You have to make your own joy a top priority. And you need to do it now, not “when I…”.

Be aware of the roadblocks and consciously face them.

Why don’t people change? 

1. Habit energy
2. Negative beliefs
3. Emotional stuff that is being suppressed by your crisis mentality or work addiction.

So for #1, make a conscious and clear decision to put yourself first. You are a Divine being and you need to be nurtured to express your full potential on this planet. You want to be vitally alive, and you can be. Stop settling for being half alive and change your habits. Put structures in place to help reinforce the changes and get support in keeping them.

#2 – If your habit is a belief, an agreement that you aren’t good enough, that you are constantly trying to live up to something – decide to change your mind. Reject inherited beliefs and choose new beliefs that you want.

For #3, this is about doing some emotional healing work. Stop running from your feelings and face them. Feel them. Let them move through you and release. Clearing stuck emotions is a gift you give yourself and there’s no better feeling than not having a tarpit of emotions deep inside you that have never been healed. Get help, get support.

Go for radical self-care and self-support.

Imagine giving yourself everything that helps you feel good and energized and happy each day. Imagine not putting off your life, your vitality, your enthusiasm and joie de vivre for money or accomplishments or your customer’s happiness. Make your own true happiness the #1 priority. Is that selfish? Only in the best way. When you are truly cared for and happy, you will be able to show up in the way you were meant to. That is the biggest gift you can give the planet and yourself.

So the whole idea of “we have to suffer to learn” never made sense to me. I can feel, deep in my bones, that suffering is optional. So why does it seem like there is some kind of truth to the fact that the hardest things in life are often what we learn the most from? And why would the system be set up this way?

So, here’s why. This is my theory combining Kabbalah and Buddhism and other random stuff.

It’s basically because we wanted to do it for ourselves. 

So in the beginning, it was all one. Nothing to learn, nothing to create, because it was all created already and eternally and wholly there. It was all Light. Great, but boring.

So then for some reason (explanations differ), there was a separation. The Light created a Something. The Something was initially attached to the Light like glue and got everything it needed from it (think the Garden of Eden, or a baby). But eventually the Something got tired of that. It wanted to learn how to create its own light, to do its thing, to learn and grow and develop on its own. So it resisted the Light. (think Eve and the apple, or growing up, or the Big Bang – yeah). Suddenly there was disconnection. But that was purposeful. That was necessary so we really could have free will and do it on our own.

So, we had to learn everything about how to live, how to grow, and how to be like the Light on our own. But that was our choice. We wanted to know what it was like to truly be the authors of our own existence. And by we I mean everything in the material world, but most relevantly, humans. And it’s entirely do-able because we are made from the Light so everything that we originally have we can have again. We just have to create it/discover it for ourselves.

So. Why is life difficult? Because that’s the game. It’s learning how to be the Light, amongst a field of Darkness, and within the laws of Karma and Time. And we wouldn’t (really) want it any other way.

This rings true for me because of this: I love money. So why wasn’t I born rich? If the Universe gives us everything we want, why did I grow up poor? And I know the answer, I can feel it – because I don’t just love having money, I love the game of money. If I had it all handed to me I wouldn’t have been able to play. So whatever you have in your life, you can bet that some part of you relishes the game of it even if it’s difficult.
Unless you are really disconnected from that because you are stuck battling karma all day.

What is karma and why does it matter?

Karma is why everything is so confusing.

So bad things (your own thoughts, or events outside you) happen because of your previous actions, or rather reactions.

Whenever something negative pops up in your life, and you react to it, you create more karma for your future.

If instead, when something negative comes your way, don’t react. Stop, and make a conscious choice of how you want to be with the thing. That dissolves the karma so it won’t come back again.

So, reactive = bad.  Proactive = good.

So the way to make your life great and easy and good is to stop reacting and start choosing from your inner Light/conscious free will instead. Period.

Everything you read about becoming conscious, developing mindfulness, understanding your triggers, taking responsibility for your life, shifting out of victim consciousness, giving up your story, etc, etc, are all the same way of saying that you got to really pay attention and stop reacting or your life will  just keep spinning around in the same groove as your karma keeps coming back. The only way to dissolve it is to not react to it when it shows up.

It helps to understand what your reactions are. For instance, you could have emotional reactions – getting depressed, angry, hurt, jealous, etc. Or you could have pattern responses – withdrawing, rescuing, being passive-aggressive, etc. It doesn’t really matter what they are, it just helps to know if it helps you to stop. The main point is to notice them and stop. Your life will get better. Try it.

And if you do try it and your life doesn’t instantly get better, remember that time is another factor. Karma isn’t instant. Yeah, it sucks. That’s why faith is an integral part of all spiritual systems. You have to choose non-reaction and then have faith (another word for a commitment) while you wait for the results to show up. And whilst you are waiting, your faith and your commitment keep you from going back to your old reactive patterns.

It also works in the reverse, where your commitment gives you the strength and faith you need to not react and can totally accelerate the clearing of your karma and the growth of your light. That is awesome too and I highly recommend commitment as a tool.

So that’s it. The keys to how life works. Enjoy. =)

Part of our energy is going towards doing the activity.

And part of our energy is going towards resisting doing the activity.

This energy shows up in procrastination, inner disharmony, suppression activities (watching TV, drinking, addiction), anger, and depression. Sometimes it shows up as unconscious sabotage. This is what I call counter-intention.

In contrast, when you are doing something you love and believe in, you are fully engaged. Every part of you is into it, and you are happy. An incredible amount of joy, creativity, and productivity is possible from this place.

Now some of our counter-intention is resistance that comes from beliefs like “I don’t deserve to be successful” and “I’m not good enough”. But the kind of counter-intention I want to talk about right now is the kind that comes from the belief “I have to do this” or “I have no choice”.

This is never true. We always have a choice. But our mind has often been conditioned to believe we don’t. And that belief causes untold misery.

Because I detest misery, I have made a primary commitment to myself to eliminate all activities I do not truly want to participate in. This includes:

• not meeting with people I am not interested in meeting with
• not picking up the phone if I don’t feel like talking on it
• not going to social events if I am not into them

So you might say “well, but there are some things you just have to do.” Like your taxes. Like your laundry.

Yes and no. If you think about just how much resistance you have to certain tasks, and how much of your life energy and time you are wasting just in resistance–you may find the motivation to find another way to get those things done.

For instance, for years I’ve hardly ever met with my web design clients in person or talked to them on the phone.

Now, how can that be? I run a web design business and it’s kind of standard practice to meet with your clients.

Well first, I primarily attract them through search engines, so they are usually web-oriented. So my chosen marketing method attracts the kinds of people who like to work primarily through web and email. That works for me.

I have a huge amount of internal resistance to the whole ritual of meeting with clients. So I decided a long time ago that I wasn’t going to volunteer to do that. Sometimes I would if the client seemed fun (if I thought I would have a good time). If they seemed like a client that wants to have a lot of meetings, I steered them somewhere else because I knew I would be unhappy (and my resistance would show I’m sure). And now, I have a project manager who is happy to do phone and meetings.

So for a long time I had a jackal that said there was something wrong with me for not wanting to do client meetings. Even writing it here I feel a little nervous–what will people think? But the bare truth is they just aren’t fun for me. I don’t like meeting strangers as much as I like hanging out with friends. Just how I am.

So, have I turned away business that I could have gotten if I’d been more willing to do in-person meetings? Yes. Could I have missed meeting some interesting people by doing them? Possibly. BUT–is the energy and joy I reclaimed by saying no to an activity that I had a huge amount of resistance around insanely worth it? YES!

Here are some things I get to say YES to by saying no to things I don’t want to do:

• lying in bed till noon thinking of cool ideas about what I want to do with my businesses and what the spiritual purpose of life is
• going to lunch and hanging out with my friends
• writing in my journal and my blog
• making art
• working on passive income strategies
• producing great work for my clients
• going to personal growth workshops
• going for walks in the park

Another area I say no to is cleaning my house. $40/month for one hour every two weeks of vacuuming and such is ENTIRELY worth it to me.

So, what is on your list that you make yourself do? How much energy of your life are you spending resisting it, procrastinating, arguing with yourself, and telling yourself you are bad for not doing it or not wanting to do it?

Try just accepting that you just don’t like doing this activity. For me, for instance, a major one is exercise. I hate it. Treadmills, weight, it’s all ick. I feel sad sometimes and do wish I had more aliveness in my body that I know would come from moving my body more. But until I find a form of exercise I can wholeheartedly say YES to, I’m just not willing to force myself to do something I hate. I won’t do that to myself anymore.

So you might not be entirely happy with the things you don’t like doing. But this is you. And you’re OK. You don’t have to like it. And it’s OK to find some other way for it to get done. Get support. Ask for help. Delegate or outsource it. Or just say no, this is not something I offer.

Self-acceptance is a major key to happiness. If you can’t accept what makes you happy, you’ll never give it to yourself. If you can’t accept what doesn’t make you happy, you’ll keep forcing it on yourself and stay unhappy.

Next ask yourself what you truly love (and it’s OK if you don’t know the full answer yet–I’m still figuring that out too!). Now imagine if you had all of your energy directed just towards that. What could you accomplish? How much fun would you have? How much would your heart sing every day just to be alive?

Now ask yourself, do I really have to do that thing I hate? If someone was holding a gun to my head, could I figure out some other way for that to get done?

Now think about that gun. Imagine you are killing a part of yourself (the part of you that wants to have fun and enjoy life) every time you do that task you hate and tell yourself you have to do it.

That’s really what I believe happens. I believe we suppress parts of ourselves that are honestly saying “no, I don’t like this” and we endure it because we think we have to. But we don’t. We always have a choice.

I’ve been dedicated over the past 5 years to eliminating anything I was “enduring” and doing only what truly was alive for me. It’s a practice that is completely worth it.

There are still things I do that I don’t completely love every second. But I don’t have that soul-grinding internal resistance anymore, because I just say no to doing those things. I make a conscious choice about where I spend my energy, because it is my very aliveness that I’m talking about. I will not tell myself “I have to do x” because that is a lie, and when we lie to ourselves in that way it creates an internal schism that causes depression and illness. Our souls know we are free. We just need to listen!

Lastly, I trust myself that I’m working to get things in place so I don’t have to do any remaining tasks I don’t truly enjoy (ie finding a bookkeeper). That trust is essential. There is something that happens when you make an internal commitment to no longer participate in your own oppression. Other people may have their ideas of what you should do, but you know in your heart that only you decide what you are going to do. This is an inner independence that is essential to happiness and to personal power. And it’s something you choose for yourself. You develop it out of your own will. It’s a personal and internal decision to value yourself and your life energy. It’s a decision you make to be your own friend rather than your own oppressor.

And what follows is a commitment to give yourself everything you need to be fully alive and happy. And that’s another post!

Abundance is flow, it’s the thing happening at the right time, better than you expected, glorious and full.

And when it happens, you have to let it in. You have to let it become your new reality. Let go of the pain of the struggle. Grieve it and let it go, so the new is able to be felt, to be embraced.

Gurdjieff said that the hardest thing for his students to give up was struggle. It gives meaning, and when you drop it, you have to create your own meaning instead, out of nothing but your being. Instead of meaning-in-opposition, you have meaning-from-creativity. Which in the end is more deeply nourishing, but it can take some getting used to, some reminders, some changes in mental habits, some stretching and experimenting and willingness to be different — letting go of stories and assumptions and the known, embracing the new and mysterious, cultivating curiosity and beginner’s mind, and trusting yourself in new lands.

The reason I am happy, as a person, is that I just can’t stand to be unhappy. It irks me, and whenever I’m not happy, I work continually until I figure out how to wrestle my life (or relax my life) back into that peaceful state of flow.

There are no secrets, except the secrets in your own heart which you haven’t discovered yet. And discovering them is a completely do-able task.

It may take a long time. It could be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. It’s often the journey of your lifetime. Curing my depression took me 10 painful years. But it’s still doable. It’s not a mystery, and it’s not unsolvable. If there is one message that I want to give people, that’s it: deep soul joy is a do-able task.
So how do you do it?

Well, that’s the thing. I can’t just give you a 1 2 3 answer, because your happiness is encoded in your own bones. But I can tell you that your bones want you to be happy! That is, your body, your soul, and your life will work with you to produce your happiness. All you have to do is start walking in that direction, and never give up till you get there.

Sounds easy? Well, you know what? It is.

There are lots of books that talk about the heroic struggle and courage and all of that. And I agree, it does take heart. But you have heart. Don’t you? Can’t you feel it in your bones, your longing to be free? Yes. That’s it. That’s what will bring you to your joy.

Here’s why it’s easier than you think: it’s infinitely easier to go with the grain than against it. Everything in your heart and soul and in the Universe itself wants you to be happy. So that’s the grain. That’s where life is pushing you, always, in one way or another. So trust it. Right now. Trust that you are firmly on the road to happiness, and keep walking it till you get there.

And you don’t have to know how to get there. That’s the other beautiful part about living in a Universe that wants you to be happy. It will give you what you need all the time, no matter what, like gravity. I think of spiritual laws like physics. You have a block to your happiness, and the Universe will, in its signature roundabout zig-zag way, give you exactly what you need to unblock it with utter precision. You just have to be willing.

So feel your heart. Be willing. And keep walking. You’ll get there.